The not quite ultimate coming out party...

As many of you know, I am in the middle of attempting to correct the really bad birth defect I was born with. I am "fixing" (surgically and hormonally) the way I look to the world, so that it fits my head and heart. For those of you who do not know, this error in my outward appearance is nothing new. I have lived with knowing there was this grievous error in my outward appearance for at least 52 years of my 56 years of life. There are some of you who know and understand completely, there are others of you who have known and accept me, you can't relate as you do not have this birth defect, but you love and accept me completely anyway. I love you all for that by the way.

I am me, I have always been me and I will always be me. Nothing inside will change, I will remain the same person I have always been. What will change almost completely is my outward appearance. I might lose some hair on my head (the probability is great), I will definitely lose this extra unwanted skin on my chest, and my already baritone voice will drop into the bass range (so much for singing tenor and contralto in choir). I will get a little extra muscle, maybe a bit more facial and body hair, my skull will change slightly, my feet will grow another size or so, and people in general will never be confused again as to what gender I actually am.

Making the decision to finally transition surgically and hormonally completely to male was not difficult this last year. My father passed away, and he was all that kept me from transitioning. Luckily for me, since I held off transitioning for over 20 years, things have changed dramatically in the surgical techniques available to Transmen such as myself. What that basically means is that I won't come out of surgery looking like a breast cancer survivor from the 60's. I will come out of it with a very male contoured chest.

The reason I am writing this today is because there are some of you out there who do not know I am a Transman. Now you do. So that you know that this is nothing new in my life, I will give you a short history of my living with this birth defect.

From the age of 2, I insisted to my parents (and anyone who would listen) that I was a boy. It took my parents at least 2 years to fully convince me I was not a boy physically. At the age of 4, I discovered that I was indeed missing my penis. That was intensely heart breaking. Childhood was extremely difficult. Of course, this was the 50's and the 60's, so I had no support from my parents, family or society. I was constantly referred to as a "tomboy", a name I hated as I knew I was not a "tomboy", I was a real boy with no way to "fix" what was wrong with me.

In the ensuing 40 to 50 years since that time, nothing about me has changed as far as my gender identity. I have remained the same, only growing in knowledge and wisdom about life as a person.

So for you who did not know about my gender identity issues, now you do. In my next post, I am going to go over my thoughts and feelings about gender identity. For now, see this as not necessarily my ultimate "coming out", but as my presenting my view of life through the eyes of having lived with this issue all of my life. For those of you who know me strictly through my writings, know that most of my thoughts and feelings that have been poured onto the written page has been seriously colored by my experiences as a Transman for the last 56 years. So what you know of me is not changing, I am and always will be me. My heart will never change. My writing will remain the same.

I am simply presenting this post so that in future posts, you will not be confused when I refer to the transition taking place in me physically. In the meantime, may great peace and blessings be yours...

Jay